Episode 4...The Countdown Theories!!

It’s exactly 23 days to my long-awaited, highly-anticipated graduation project final presentation. And to anybody with a minimal level of common sense, these days should be the most emotionally-overwhelming days of my life; makes sense, huh?!

Well, here’s a newsflash… My senior year is finally counting down, “hopefully Insha’Allah!!”, and I blandly feel nothing WHATSOEVER!! Seriously!! I’m not sure if anybody is following the series in the first place but if you take a look at Episode 1, you’ll find out it was basically about me getting so emotional on my very first Senior-Year day. And now that everything is eventually wrapping up, I walk down the same hallways I've been strolling for almost five years emotionlessly, thoughtlessly & most probably… soullessly!!

Contemplating this “me turning into a soulless zombie” thing, I managed to develop a couple of theories that might subtly help explain this emotional paralysis I’m experiencing regarding this graduation thing.

-     Theory #1: Maybe it’s all because my final university year has so worn me out I can’t wait to be done with it; the thing that has to totally strip me off any sort of nostalgic or even joyful feelings.

-     Theory #2: Maybe it’s all because I’m not “practically” done with my senior year. Yes, the final exams are over & all but still, I've got this huge “Operation Graduation Project” ahead of me. And that’s why I can’t feel I’m gonna miss anything about uni cause simply, it’s not over yet.

P.S. If that theory proves to be the right one, this paralysis will burst into blazing emotional flames on the awaited presentation day. (I’ll keep you, whoever you are, updated on that!!)

-     Theory #3: Maybe it’s all because I’m not an emotional kind of person in the first place, I mean, in what universe have I ever been emotional or even sentimental!! Of course I’ve had my fair share of sentimental moments and emotional turmoil but that has never been the norm so why I’m so panicking over this!!

-     Theory #4: Maybe, just, maybe it’s all temporary & I’ll soon enough get my fair share of that nostalgic, post-senior-year drama. And if such theory holds… I terribly apologize for bothering you with my nonsensical theories!! J

May every Senior enjoy what’s left of their Senior Year =)

Episode #3...In Class!!

Have you ever experienced a boring class?! A lot, huh?!

Well, I have to admit that during my four-and-a-half-year journey in uni, I’ve been in more boring classes than interesting or even normal ones. And since this journey is soon coming to an end (hopefully!!), I’ve decided to take up the endeavor of contemplating a boring unbearably energy-draining class.

As for the professor, he’s monotonic, slow-paced & he tirelessly continues to speak some enigmatic geeky barely understandable barely audible terms.

As for my fellow senior veterans, well, I can gladly say that almost everyone has set foot on La La Land their own way; some have started casual chit-chats with their neighbors, others have opened their books starting an avid reading session & as for the majority, well, they’re daydreaming!! (Oh, there’s one guy over there that’s actually dreaming; YES, in his sleep!!)

“Oh I almost forgot… everybody, including me, fakes absolute focus with a subtle series of nods as the professor turns his head & throws a look at the surrounding vicinity.”

And as for me… Well, I used to be one of the daydreamers but today I’ve decided to switch course. Today I’ve decided to contemplate & write.

But here’s the most basic question… Is it our fault, as students I mean, that we lose focus letting our minds wander off in such boring barely beneficial classes?! Or is it our professors’ fault for they don’t raise any interest at our end in what they’re explaining in class?!

If you want to hear my humble opinion, I think it’s everybody’s fault. It’s the professors’ fault for it never occurred to them  to put themselves in our shoes & think of what can really raise our interest so we can be avid listeners in class & most importantly avid learners after class.

It’s the university’s administration’s fault for they have never thought of setting an effective transparent filtering & selection process of potentially talented personnel who can do well as professors, as teachers and above all as mentors.

It’s our fault cause every day we knuckle under to the status quo desperately hoping that someone else would come & change it one of those days.

And last but not least, it’s my fault cause I’m writing this in class!!

May every senior enjoy their classes!! =)

Episode 2...Growing Young!!

A couple of days ago, I got to see the newly-recruited crew of that student NGO I used to work with (I had the best time of my life working with that NGO by the way :)). Anyway, I scanned those young faces hoping to find a recognizable one but it was just in vain; they all looked new to me. They looked all ebullient with joy all over their faces but still, those joyful faces looked new to me!! Looking at those young joyful faces, I got overwhelmed with “a” feeling. Actually, I still don’t know what that feeling was; you can call it an indescribable feeling or whatever but that doesn’t change the fact that I was overwhelmed. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean I’m oblivious of the reason behind that “indescribable” feeling; I’m actually so aware of it. I mean, thinking of how dynamic life is is so fascinating. One year, I was working in that place with a group of passionate people & the next year, a new generation takes over with even more passion that we happened to have… Just fascinating!!

All overwhelmed with eyes on the verge of welling up, I thought about sharing this moment with a couple of my friends. Well, one of them completely understood how I felt, she actually was as overwhelmed as I was or even more!! The other one…well, let me tell you that what she told me is actually the main reason why I’m writing this right now. She told me with poise all over her face that it was so normal for me not to recognize any of these faces; this newly-recruited crew is actually crammed with freshmen & sophomores with a little minority of juniors & seniors and as you know I’m an…old veteran!! She looked at me & continued: “Nada, did you forget?! We’re the eldest amongst all those surviving students!! Nada, we’ve grown old!!”

Although I was totally aware of that fact, her words descended upon me like a bomb. At that moment, I realized that when it comes to the fact that it’s time for us to get promoted from being “young adults” to “adults”, I’m completely in denial. I mean, how on earth am I supposed to surrender to that off-putting social convention that assumes I’m not as young as I used to be when I joined uni while I actually feel the same deep down in my heart & soul?! Yes, I know that with being on the verge of graduating & getting involved in what they call “the real life”, I need to be much more responsible than I used to be. I know that & I totally respect it but that doesn’t mean I can’t have my share of fun, act recklessly every once in a while or hit the amusement park; for God’s sake, I’m only 21!!

You know what, all I’m cordially asking is not to be told that I’ve grown old every second. You know why…cause I’m NOT old; I’m still young & I’ll be young as long as my heart & soul are young. I’ll be young as long as I’m feeling young. I’ll be young no matter what my birth certificate or my national ID says. And here I am conveying this message to every fellow senior student… “Buddy, don’t you ever let anybody make you feel old when you still feel young inside. Don’t you ever let anybody take your youth away. Don’t you ever let anybody kill the youngster inside you. And proudly remember…you’re a senior & you’re young” :)

Episode 1...Memories!!

Senior year has officially started!! And like any other senior student, I got showered with swirls of memories as I tapped my first steps into uni. Before that, I got hit with a swirl of disbelief: “I’m a SENIOR!!Me?! I’ve really spent complete four years in this place?!” I shook my head in disbelief as I strolled down the hallways. And in a heartbeat , the past four years started to flashback!!

I can clearly recall my first day at uni, it’s like it was just yesterday. It was a Ramadan day. Fasting was wearing me out let alone how unconfident & insecure I felt. Yet, I tried my best at faking confidence; I walked through the iron gates with my newly-bought sunglasses on. I think I wore a white shirt & a red cardigan with a pair of blue jeans; I also remember I piled my hair into a bun, but that doesn’t matter after all.J Anyways, I walked in with a fake confident look on my face & started scanning the place, typically me!! I can’t recall exact images but I can say I saw a whole life in there; I saw people laughing out with their friends, catching up on what they missed during the long summer. I saw other people running or hopping or jogging or whatever you wanna call it who were hurrying to the lecture halls. And of course, there were those bemused goofs, AKA freshmen, who were spinning around in circles not knowing where to go. But the most important thing to remember was how optimistic I was that day, you can say “Little miss sunshine” would have been very descriptive!! I had those aspirations of not only becoming a great local engineer but also a great well-known scientist. I actually visualized myself stepping on the stage of the Stockholm concert hall to receive my Nobel Prize. With a dreaming mind, an aspiring soul & a heart full of hope, the journey kicked-off…

In fact, it was a hell of a journey, in an excruciating way & yet I can’t say it ripped me of my dreams. Of course, my dreams have undergone a few changes in some sort of a realistic way but still, that “Change the world” dream is still is chasing me, the thing that I’m really grateful for.

 My mind declared an end to the joyful flashback it started a minute ago as I reached the door of the lecture hall. I took a deep breath, pulled myself together & with a doubtful heart, a surviving soul & a mind full of memories, I stepped into my first senior-year tutorial!!

My Senior year...Prologue!!

A couple of years ago, I first watched my now favorite movie “Julie & Julia”. I was so inspired by the lead character “Julie” I decided to start a new blog where I write regularly. It took me a while thinking what I should be writing about till I decided on “Happiness”; in other words, I decided to write about my journey of pursuing happiness. I turned my computer on, took a deep breath & inaugurated a new blog entitled “The Happiness Project”. The funny thing is, if you checked that blog right now, in case it’s still valid, you’d find nothing but a small intro!! You know why?! Cause simply I wrote nothing but this small intro. I was so taken away by this ongoing vortex of life I couldn’t really stick to the project I excitedly embarked on.

A couple of days ago, I accidently found Julie & Julia showing on TV & I don’t have to say that the excitement was aroused all over again but this time it was pretty different. This time I didn’t think about starting a whole new blog or anything; I just thought about the idea of being committed to writing regularly about something, well, about my life mainly. 

 “But what is so interesting about my life i could write about?!” I bemusedly wondered. And then…EUREKA!! I should write about my senior year, yes I should!! Senior year is some sort of a milestone in everybody’s life. I mean, senior year is the gate to real life with all its hustle & bustle; all we have to do is just cross that gate. Of course, it’s not as easy as it sounds especially for me. And that’s why I decided I should write about it; about me crossing the gate…The gate to real life!!

A moment of revelation!!!

“Stay strong. Never break down, NEVER.” That’s the one sentence we grow up finding everybody telling us; at home, at school, in the media. Everywhere. We grow up thinking that we’re gonna get severely disgraced if we ever cried, snapped, broke or backed down. And if we ever find anybody doing any of this, we automatically call them quitters, losers, chickens.. you name it!!

I myself have grown up like this. I’ve always thought that crying is a shame, that breaking down is disgraceful, that staying strong every minute in every hour is what I should be fighting for all my life. This is how I perceived things till that one foggy day when I officially hit the rock bottom & pal, when you hit the rock bottom, breaking down is your only place to go, tears are your safest place to hide & anger is inevitably your best friend. Then & only then, I experienced what they call a moment of revelation; it was when I realized that God designed us with the ability to shed tears for a reason, that we’re all made from  hearts &  souls not of concrete or titanium. Experiencing this insightful moment, I realized that those little seconds when we act like crazies, those seconds when we break down & cry like new-borns, or act out of character are the reason why the human species is still surviving sanely or pseudo-sanely in that universe.

So, here’s what I propose, if you feel you can’t take it anymore, just blow off steam and do it your own way. If you feel like crying, don’t shut your eyes; let them well up with as many tears as they can. If you feel like screaming, scream as loud as you can but make sure you hurt nobody J If you feel like dancing, turn your favorite music on & go rock n’ roll . And you know what, always, always remember that you’re a delicate human, that we’re all designed to get vulnerable every once in a while. Keep in mind that even super heroes have their own vulnerable moments cause at the end of the day, they’re humans with hearts & souls not titanium lifeless statues.

May you all find happiness!! =)

Say what you need to say!!

I’ve always had tremendous admiration for those so-called unusual jobs. As a teenager, I wanted to be an astronaut, a nuclear scientist & an actress. But there’s one profession that fascinates me the most; whenever I find someone pursuing this profession, an overwhelming feeling of wonderment takes over me. Actually, I’ve realized that all my favorite movie heroines pursue the same profession. You know what this profession is…It’s the profession of writing!!

My story with writing started about 12 years ago when I first tried to write my first song. Actually, I wrote that song not for the sake of writing but for the sake of singing. Earlier that day, my teacher auditioned me for the school concert & I totally blew it so when I went home, I wrote a song on my blackboard & I tried to sing it. The funny thing is, I’ve never written songs nor sung in public since that day!! Then I turned out to be an assiduous reader; I literally read anything that came into my hands, ANYTHING!! And the more I read, the more I fell for those dazzlingly smart insightful creatures called writers.

I grew up, joined college, survived my freshman year with all its crazy complications & then moved to the toughest year in my whole life; my sophomore year. As a sophomore, I had so many challenges; academically, socially & personally. I needed to find a way to blow off my angry thoughts, to express my confusion, to motivate myself & my peers. At this moment, I grabbed my pencil & I simply let on my thoughts onto a piece of paper.

A couple of months later, I found a friend with whom I shared the passion for writing. Thanks to this friend, I started this blog the thing that motivated me to write more & more.

Honestly speaking, I don’t if I’m a good writer or not; I’m not even sure if I have the potential to be a good writer. But you know what, I’ll never stop writing, at least for now, cause writing not only saved me when I hit the rock bottom but aslo gave me the courage to say what I need to say & that’s what really matters in life.

May you all say what you need to say!! =)