About a martyr!!

Since the 25th of January,2011, everybody has been talking politics but today, I'm not talking politics, I'm talking humanity!! Today, two Engineering students passed away after being shot in Tahrir & two days ago, a medical student & a Sheikh were shot dead. 

At that point, an extremely important question arises, what in the world have they done to end up shot & dead?! They've been demonstrating, that doesn't make criminals out of them; even if they were criminals, shouldn't they be tried before being executed?! 

Those people, those martyrs, had a life just like anyone of us, they laughed, they cried, they ate, they studied, they loved their families, they hung out with their friends, they were....HUMANS!!

So everybody, let's mourn for those martyrs, offer our condolences to their families & friends, express our grief & sadness. Let's condemn those outrageous murders & condemn those who committed them. Let's pray for the martyrs  & pray for our country. Let's pray for freedom, for a better tomorrow.

May God bestow his blessings & mercy upon our heroes...Our Martyrs!!

About regrets

The great Anis Mansour once wrote about a French lady who had told him that we're all living in a forest of question marks & exclamation marks. If you think thoroughly about it, you'll find that this is an absolute baffling truth about life; we keep asking & asking & wondering & asking, we keep going through these endless circles of Whys especially when bad events roll down.  We keep asking "Why did this happen to me?!" or "Why didn't this happen to me?!" whatever we wanted that thing to happen or not to happen it's still a WHY that we ask, it's still a BECAUSE that we're waiting for. Events keep rolling & we keep searching for a BECAUSE but here's a question, are we really gonna be satisfied when we get that "BECAUSE"?! Does it matter if we get it?! Does it even help?!

Well, sometimes it's a massive help when we know the reasons so we can save the day & make things better but what if things can't be made better?! What if it's out of our control, does the BECAUSE still help?! In that case, pursuing the reasons takes you to the level of regretting. And when you go through regretting, you're going through one of the toughest cycles you might go through in your life; an endless tiring circle of Whys & IF Onlys. And when it comes to regretting, I'm a master!!

Since I've been a little kid, suffering regrets has been my daily habit. I regretted everything, I regretted my acts, my words, my moves, my laughs & even my tears. I regret saying this & not saying that. I regretted saying Yes & I regretted saying No. I lived my everyday life doing nothing but regretting. I suffered & I suffered & I suffer till this very moment. But this time, my suffering took me to a very different area, it took me to the area of "why the heck am I regretting in the first place, isn't that supposed to be my destiny?!". Yes, I'm responsible for my own choices but when it's not a choice that I made, when I get embarrassed stammering in public or when I babble the wrong answer when I already know the right one, it has nothing to do with me choosing it's just my destiny. Seems reasonable, huh?! And yet, I'm still regretting!!

A Priceless Moment

She looked very pretty, both did actually. They looked so happy; I never saw them that happy before. I was happy too, happy like never before. And why don't I get happy?! It's my big sister's wedding, I have every right to be happy, so does she & so does our mom. Actually, mom got every right to be the happiest person in the whole world; her big daughter is getting married. After all these years of hard work, of being there for better or worse, of good times & bad times, all these years of arguing, of laughs & tears, of reprimand & praise, of success & of failure, after all these years, her big daughter is making the most beautiful bride on this planet with her beautiful white gown, her fluffy white veil & her glamorous flashing smile. Finally, she's assured she has always been, despite people's criticism & so-called advice, on the right track. Today, she feels she's being rewarded for everything she's done. Yes, mom, you got every right to be happy, you deserve it, you actually earn that happiness.

I got drifted away by those thoughts; I was taken away as if I was flying, as if I was dreaming. Then, something brought me back to earth, a dinging sound as if someone clanged on a glass & then my name was called; it was my turn to give my bridesmaid speech.

I stood still for a minute trying to gather myself. I scanned the happy faces of our relatives & friends searching for the happiest of them; my mom's. I found it, beautifully glowing & happy, her happy eyes met mine & she gave me the encouraging look I've always known, I've always loved; I started talking: "Hello, dear friends & family. First, I wanna thank you all for coming today, it's really great we got to share our happiness with you. We hope you are having a blast at the wedding & we wish you everlasting happiness. Well,; ever since my sister & me were little kids, many of you have been asking us how we hang in with all those life struggles, troubles & adversities. You ask us what that thing is that makes us go through adversities with a serene smile & a strong heart. Today with all pleasure, I'm telling you our secret; it's LOVE. I remember my sister's first day at middle school; she was nervous about going to a new school, meeting new people, starting a whole new phase of her life. I remember mom grabbing her hands, looking into her eyes, I remember every word she told her then; she told her that life is always changing whether it's a good change or a bad one but it's changing after all  & we have to cope with that change. She told her that our only way to cope with that change is to love it, even if it's bad, we should search for the good in it & love it. We should who we are or who we turned out to be, we should love those who stand by our side, those who are always there for us. We should grasp every chance of love or happiness. And that's what I'm telling you today, embrace that priceless moment; embrace that moment for it's a moment of love, a moment of happiness, embrace it with all you got , love it with all your hearts, love each other, be happy. And don't forget… to enjoy the wedding." 

I love it bittersweet

I love it when I'm having this bittersweet feeling; when my heart is a little agonized, my eyes are welling up with tears yet my lips are curved into a weak delicate smile. I love those little things that make me experience that amazing contradiction. I love those little things that make me close my eyes hoping that this moment never ends yet asking when it will end. I love those little things that make me realize that along with bitterness, life offers tender sweetness. I love that shiver that takes over me when agony mingles with  joy, & when this delicate smile meets up with tears. I may resent the bitterness in it, like the sweetness in it but I will always always love it bittersweet. 

The Flyophobic

My eyes widened as I watched him spread his wings, flit around, fly back & forth creating huge circles in the air. The higher he flew, the tighter my claws clutched to the ground & the faster my heart beats raced in my chest. "What the heck is he thinking?!", I asked myself, "What could be that thing in flying that makes him risk his safety, his OWN LIFE?!!"

As all these thoughts rumbled in my mind, I felt a pat on my wing then a quiet confident voice called my name "Freeko! Hey, Freeko!!". I turned around to find him smiling at me, "When did he go down & come to my side?!",  another thought hit my head. "Hey!!" I chocked the word.

He (jokingly): Man, what's going on with you?!

I know I heard his question but I don't know why I didn't answer; it seemed like someone had put a spell on me or something.

His voice turned more serious when he talked again: Freeko, what's going on?! I'm your friend, man, you can talk to me.

It seemed like the magical spell was broken the thing that made me ask him: "Bondo', how do you feel when you're doing this? I mean, why are you risking your life for such thing?!"

He replied confusedly: What thing?!!

I snapped: FLYING!!!

It seemed like his confusion grew bigger as he asked: So your question is, Is flying worth risking my life for?

I replied quietly: Exactly.

He spun his head in complete disbelief & it seemed like he had hard time talking again: I can't get it, Freeko. We're BIRDS, remember?! Birds. We're designed to fly. We're all about flying & there's no such thing as risk when it comes to flying!!

I snapped: What!! Do you mean you don't fear falling down & dying?! You don't fear hitting against a high building or a big tree?! You don't fear getting drifted away by strong winds or blizzards?! You don't fear for yourself, your safety, your LIFE?!

He gave me a thorough gaze with a calm quiet comforting smile before he answered: No, I do fear for them all but does this have to stop me from flying?! Yes, I may fall down & die but isn't everybody destined to die after all?! And yes, I might hit against a high building or a big tree but also, I can stumble over a stone or a rock while walking here on the ground & get hurt, right?! And yes, I might get drifted away by winds but so might everybody. Don't you know?! Blizzards & winds could get so strong that people, trees, cars & even town could get swept away.

I sighed: What's your point?!

Well, he said, my point is that if you kept thinking about the dangers & the risks that might face you, you would never do what you're originally designed to do. You would never do your part in that world. You would never…Fly!! Then he stopped for a moment before he continued: Freeko, can I ask you something?!

"Sure" I said half-heartedly.

"Have you ever thought about what you could be missing by not flying?!"

"No!" I said under my breath.

He took a deep breath then looked at me "You're missing a lot, man. You're missing the wonderful blue skies, the breath-taking stars, the warmth of the sun, the moon light. You're missing a first-class seat from which you can watch that miraculous world with its unbelievable green fields, its silvery sparkling waters & its golden deserts. I'm not sure if you know about that but humans are willing to pay all they got for that seat that we originally have. You know my friend, all you need to do is defeat yourself & try to fly for once. Then & only then, you'll know what I'm talking about."

He spread his wings & went up high leaving me with my rumbling thoughts.   

Bold like a child

It's wondrous how little kids are so gutsy; it really shows when watching them on swings. They keep swinging back & forth with all the strength they've got fearless of any danger they could be facing like falling off the swing or getting hurt. All they care about is reaching the sky, playing with the bright stars & having some fun with the grayish cotton candy-like clouds.

Watching them in this unbelievable state of boldness makes me think about our very pure nature. If children represent a live example of human pure nature & children are that bold then we're bold by nature!!! Then,… why all that fear?! Why is fear almost the only thing controlling us, and by us I mean adults?! Why are we that afraid all the time?! We're afraid we might not get the job and when we get it, we're afraid we won't be up to the standards. We're afraid we might end up alone & when we have people by our sides, we're afraid they're not the right people. We're afraid we're too fat or too thin, we're too beautiful or too ugly, we're not fashionable or we're too stylish!!! We're always afraid.

As for me, I'm the most scared person on that planet. I'm scared of altitudes, rats, the future & even the present time. I'm scared of not being up to the standards which are by the way MY standards not anybody's. I've even become scared of SWINGS!!!! I'm scared of almost everything & honestly, I don't know if that's because the world has become a scary place or  it's just me losing my pure nature.

All in all, I'm reminding you, whoever you are, & myself that we're naturally designed to be brave & fearless. And may be everybody needs to ask themselves: "Am I bold like a child?!!"

May you all find ultimate happiness =) 

We're related!!

One of the dazzling truths about that life is that everybody living on that big, wide, wonderful planet are related!! Yes, if you think about it, you'll find that despite our differences we all have like a million things in common. For instance, we all breathe, we eat, we drink, we love, we hate, we sleep, we strive for happiness & so many other things that we have in common.
That dazzling truth makes me wonder, if every living human are some related then why all that hatred, envy & despise; why fighting & arguing; why do we do that after all?! Are our differences so much powerful that they conquer our similarities?! Are they so powerful to transform us to those hating envying creatures?! For me, our differences can never be more powerful than our similarities because although our differences are what define us, our similarities are what make us alive in the first place.
I believe in that big time & I hope that someday we will forget about our differences & only remember that we're all related!!

May you all find happiness =)

Meet the Bully

Teenage is one of the most critical stages in anybody’s life. As teenagers, we have a lot to encounter in our lives. We have school, teachers, and friends, finding out who we really are & determining what we wanna do with our lives. In addition to that rumble, some teenagers have a major problem that they have to deal with every day. They have to deal with Bullies!!!!

Bullying is a kind of abuse that anyone can encounter in his daily life. You can find bullies everywhere, at work, university or even across the neighborhood but bullying is more common in schools. So, you wanna know more about bullies. Here you go.

Bully fact # 1: It may be fun but the consequences aren’t funny at all

Bullies claim that they’re doing this just for fun & that they mean no harm. But the question is: “Do they really do no harm?. Unfortunately, yes they do & it’s not a slight harm, it’s a deep bleeding wound. Teenagers who are victims of bullying suffer low self-confidence. They have constant feeling of intimidation. Sometimes, they get into bleak depression that may drive them to taking their own lives!!!! (I know it’s hard to believe but you can search the internet for “Bullycide” & see for yourself that it really happened).

So what do you think now? Is it still funny?!!

Bully fact # 2: Bullying actions are reflection to the bully’s low self-confidence:

Yes guys, this is the truth!! When somebody spends his/ her time doing nothing but picking on others or mocking them, it’s because they want to drift people’s attention away from them or because they want people to believe they’re strong & highly confident of themselves. And why is that? It’s simply because they fear that if people knew they’re weak or if people had a chance, they would mock them and that’s so hard for them to take.

Bully fact # 3: they’re bullying you because they’re jealous from you:

If you thought about it for a while, you would find that it’s true. They’re doing this cause they know you’re better than they are. They think they can’t be like you or they don’t even wanna give it a shot so what they do? Bully you, destroy your self-confidence. And then………you’re down.

Now, you’ve known the truth about that bullying thing. But before you turn the page, I have something to tell you:

If you are a bully: “I know that deep inside, you’re so good to harm others, to be a bully. Try to discover the friendly-you & bring him/ her to life again. See people from inside. Be yourself & let others be themselves.  ”

If you’re being bullied: “You have to believe in yourself, love yourself as it is & never try to change it because people want you to. Give yourself a break & stop blaming yourself for everything you do even if it was dumb. Believe me, sometimes dumb things are what make life cool ;):)  ”

My super mom

I have never been the kind of person who show how they feel in words. Well, I know that's a shortcoming of mine because when you love someone, you gotta tell them that you do; that makes them happy after all. But though it all, I never really told someone that I love him/her except for this one person. This one person who I always tell "I love you" everyday; actually I'm telling her that every morning & every evening. And if you're thinking that she must be so special to me, you're right because she really is.; she has to be, She's my MOM :D:D But don't you think that my mom is an ordinary mom or that our relationship is an ordinary mother-daughter relationship. No, it's not, it's not ordinary at all. I may be a little bit biased when I say that but I think that it's one-of-a-kind mother-daughter relationship. You wanna know why? Well, let's start from the beginning.
1-Mom has always been there for me. She supported me even when almost everybody I know called me crazy & a potential failure. She believed in me even when I lost any belief in myself.
2-She taught me almost everything I know in this life. She taught me to respect others, to love others & to be good to others regardless of how bad they were to me. She taught me the meaning of how to be strong & how to rise again whenever I fall.
3-She took all my craziness, stubbornness & sometimes my idiocy with much love & acceptance.
4-She's always been my guiding beacon all the way. She guided me without judging or irritation. She never gets sick of me making mistakes then coming back to her asking for help or for advice.
5-She knows what I want before I even open my mouth to speak it. And she finds her ultimate happiness in getting us what my sister & I want (but we're not spoiled kids FYI  :D:D).
6-I see her as a never-ending source of forgiveness. Sometimes, I believe that my job in that life is to mess things up & her job is to forgive me.
7-If you ask me who's your best friend, the answer will definitely be "My mom". She's always been a perfect  BFF & a cool one too :D:D She always listened to me & never made fun of me. Not only that,She also did her best to be a part of everything in my life not in an intruding way but in a contributing way. She was the secret ingredient behind my love for my four favorite things in life; cinema, music, reading & desserts :D:D She was the first to take me to the movies, she introduced me to many of my now-favorite singers & bands, she encouraged me to read & for that dessert thing, mom is the best when it comes to making desserts, her desserts are just irresistible.So, here are some reasons why I consider my mom to be the best mom in the whole world, actually I think of her as the best person in the whole world. And today, I'm writing that for her as a "Happy Mother's day" gift. So, I just going tell her one final thing: "MOM, I love you. You're always gonna be my hero "

The Gennie, Rapunzel & me

About an hour ago, I've read some line on Twitter stating that within everybody of us, there's a Disney character. Well, that line brought back to my mind a question that I've always asked every time I watch a Disney movie or let's say an animation movie.If I were a Disney character or a cartoon character, who would I wanna be? Personally, I prefer to be that crazy, hilarious, messy, annoying in a funny way friend. Like the Gennie in Aladdin, Wazowski  in Monsters inc or even Sid in Ice Age!!! OK, I admit that this's not what you expected because as a sweet gentle young lady, I'm expected to dream of being a fair princess like Cinderella, Snow White or even Sleeping Beauty :D:D. Honestly, I've never dreamed of being such a fair princess & I don't have a clue about why I never did. But if I was to choose a fair princess to be, I would choose Rapunzel in the 2010-animated feature "Tangled", Why?! Because in that feature, Rapunzel is funny, smart, strong or pretending to be strong & on top of all this, she's got a dream & she's pursuing it, is there anything better than that?! Maybe but for me, having a dream, pursuing it yet enjoying your life, your tiny successes or failures & these ups & downs facing you on that tiring yet rewarding journey is something that everybody needs. And for me, the thing that all the dreamers out there are missing in order to have a happy life is that "enjoying" thing. Yes, we get so much involved in that reaching-our-dream journey that we forget to enjoy the beauty of it. We forget to enjoy the many moments of happiness & success. We forget to enjoy the laughs & the learning moments even if they're tiring or painful & the moments of appreciation. We forget to enjoy & we end up trapped in the bleak "what if" zone. So, I made a decision. From now on, I'm gonna try to enjoy as much moments of my life as I can, I'm gonna try to keep all the good moments in my mind & soul because they're gonna be there for me when tough moments descend. Honestly, I don't know if I'm gonna make it or not but I'm gonna give it a shot.


May you all find happiness=)

Crazy Diary :D:D

Have you ever had an imaginary friend when you were little? You did, right? What was his name? Zizo? Mohamed? Lolo? Barbie if you're a girl? Personally, I can't remember my imaginary friend's name. Actually, I can't remember if I had an imaginary friend or not :D:D. But still, I can tell you something about imaginary friends & me; I still have some imaginary friends!!! Yeah, I'm a twenty-year-old-to-be & I still have imaginary friends..with a little difference of course. For instance, I don't talk to myself out loud pretending to be talking to them , it doesn't mean that I'm not talking to myself out loud, & I don't offer them any of my stuff like we used to offer them our toys & candy. It's just that I conjure them up in my mind, conjure up conversations going on between us, happy moments, tough moments, sad moments, fight moments & any other thing that can go on between friends.And you know what the funniest thing is? I picture these moments as if we were in a movie. I picture the location, the soundtrack even the camera angles. Do you believe it? Because I can't believe it myself. Oh my God!!! I feel like..like a crazy person.

Oh wait, I'm a crazy person & everybody knows that already:D:D

You know, whether this was crazy or not, I would go on with my imaginations because they make me happy :)

May you all find happiness :) 

You should never forget

I stayed like that for weeks, wanna write something, actually, trying to write something but I just couldn’t. Actually, I didn’t know what exactly to write about until that day, the day when I went to my dentist. The day when he told me he needed to operate on my teeth. The day when the pain knocked on my door. Well, the operation itself was no big deal but the complications were. Regardless of the details, I had hard complications & instead of easing, the pain became worse every day that I had that feeling that the pain will never go away. Trying to make myself stronger, I started telling myself that I’ve been through worse & that at the end of the day the pain will go anyway. But then I thought to myself, ‘No. I have never been through worse. This is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, the worst pain any one could experience’. And that was the moment when I knew what exactly I’m wanna write about. I’m writing about Pain & how we always deal with it.

According to the dictionary, pain is the feeling you have when some part of your body hurts. But according to us, humans I mean, pain isn’t just the feeling we have when something goes wrong with some organ of ours. For us, pain is the feeling we have when things go wrong with anything, a relationship, a career, anything. It’s actually strange how anything can be a source of pain, but you know what’s stranger, how we deal with the pain or in other words, how we react to it. Every time we are in pain, the first thing that comes to our minds is that’s the worst, most painful thing that has ever happened to us, that we can never go through worse & sometimes we think that it will be a miracle if we survived that pain. But then, that pain eases & eases then it heals or in the worst case becomes unnoticeable & we go back to the life journey until some other pain strikes & the cycle goes on. It’s so ironic how every pain is the worst pain we could ever have or that’s what we tell ourselves every time we’re in pain. But why do you think we do that? Is it because we need sympathy? Is it because we’re too fragile to take painful situations? Well, personally, I think it’s simply because we forget. Life keeps us busy & we forget. We forget about the hard times as well as the good times we’ve been through. We say that life is all about experience but though, we forget about our own experiences. What I’m trying to say is that your life, your experiences, your happy moments or even your painful moments are valuable.  That everything is happening for a reason so try to find out that reason & once you find it, hold on to it & never forget about it because at the end of the day, it’s not just the pain or the laughter or the tears that matter, what really matters is what we learn from them. 

It's V-day !!!

So, today is the 14th of February. For some people, it's an ordinary day but for others, it's the most special day of the most special days; it's Valentine's day. Well, I'm not gonna talk religion here cause I don't know for sure whether it's banned to celebrate V-day in Islam or not & of course I'm not talking that "How to pick the perfect the Valentine's gift" thing!!! What I'm trying talk about here is that thing we're supposed to be celebrating on Valentine's day.Here, I'm trying to talk about love!!

Personally, when I hear the word "love" many questions pop into my head like "What does love really mean?","Is love only related to the male-female relationships as it's pictured in many movies & novels & as it's known for many people?! ", "Is the word 'I love you' is a real taboo like some people think?!", "Is love all about spending the whole night up looking at the stars & crying or listening to love songs & does it really makes one become weak?!". Well, I don't believe in that at all & I wonder why we make one of the noblest & the most essential things in our life seem so shallow & superficial. Not only that but some of us have made it seem like a welfare not a necessity!!! Well, the only reason I can see here is that misperception of ours about love which, by the way, I think we should fix  because... think about it, till when are we gonna live blacked out like this because of the misperceptions we're having of things or people?!!!

Love isn't just about that male-female thing & it's not about spending the whole night up & it's not about love songs or romantic movies & it's definitely not about Valentine's day!! Love is about feeling satisfied about everything in your life, it's about appreciation & contentment with everything you're having in this life, it's about gratitude, happiness, smiling, forgiveness & being there for others whenever they need you. Love is about loving God, yourself,  your family, you friends, your co-workers, your boss, your professors, your neighbors, even your stuff like your laptop or your i pod. Love everything around you & the more love you give, the more love you take & then you can reach the point of "I love life with all its bitterness & sweetness". And when you reach that point, you will probably find happiness =)

P.S."For me, Valentine's day is another day to spend with my family & that's how I celebrate it every year"

May you all find happiness =)

The 29th of September

I was standing before the mirror, dressing-up, doing my hair & singing to my favorite Beatles’ “With a little help from my friends” & then she enters the room with her smile that I consider the most beautiful smile in the world.

Juliet(almost singing it): Someone seems to be in a good mood today!! WOW! Mom, you look pretty today.

Me: What do you mean kiddo? I’m always pretty or from where do you think you got that pretty face of yours?

Juliet (chuckling): I know that you’re always pretty but today, you’re extraordinarily pretty & happy!! Wait, it’s neither your birthday nor dad’s (she said counting on her fingers & looking to the ceiling of the room as if she was recalling something), and it’s not your anniversary. Wait; maybe it’s my birthday but how come I can’t remember MY OWN birthday!!

Me (still dressing-up): honey, it’s not anyone’s birthday & it’s not anyone’s anniversary.

Juliet (showing that childish confused face that I adore): Then, what is that all about? And why you’re dolling up, where are you going?!

Me (grabbing her hand tenderly): Come, sweetheart. Sit.(She sat by my side on the bed, still confused). Well, today is a very special day in my life, I guess you’ll understand how important is that day to me if I tell you that I’ve been waiting for that day for more than 20 years.

Juliet: What?! What can be the importance of a day that makes you wait for it for such a long time?! I mean, what’s gonna happen today?

Me (smiling): I’m gonna meet my best friend.

Juliet: Your best friend?! Do you mean Aunt Melanie, or Aunt Kitty or Mrs. Simone?

Me (smiling): No, honey. I’m gonna meet Tina, my BFF J

Juliet (confused again): Tina?! I’ve never heard of her before.

Me: Well, it’s a long story, you wanna hear it?

She nodded with her eyes wide open as if she was watching a suspense movie that reached the peak of its plot.

Me: Well, Tina & I have been friends for as long as we can both remember. It has been like we were born friends. We used to do everything together although we didn’t share a lot of similar interests. But, each one of us has learned to be there for the other no matter what. She supported me in my art shows although she saw no point at surreal art & I cheered her on in her soccer matches although I saw no point at soccer.  You know, people used to tell us that if we had been Siamese twins, we wouldn’t have been that close to each other.

Juliet (with a sad smile): what happened, mom? Why did you both drift apart?

Me: Well, we didn’t “drift apart”. Actually, Everything happened in overnight. We were spending a typical Saturday night, chit-chatting & listening to The Beatles, our favorite band, when her mom knocked on the door. She looked sad & it was like she wanted to tell us something but at the same time, she didn’t want to. I didn’t know why then, but I felt like I was drifted away by a wave of fear & anxiety of what she was gonna say. And my guts were right. She looked at us with sad eyes & said: “Girls, I know that’s gonna be hard but I want you to know that this’s hard on me too”. We were too worried to reply, so she went on: “Girls, There has been this problem at work. And….as a result, I was sent to the company’s branch in England”. A moment of silence dominated then Tina chocked the words out: “Does this mean we’re moving to England?”. We both looked at Tina’s mom with our eyes begging her to say “No”. But she said it, she said: “Yes. And we have to be ready in a week”.

I looked back at Juliet to find her looking at me with anticipation. So, I smiled at her & went on.

Me: I didn’t know how this week had passed but I knew that it was the saddest week of my whole life. You know, people say that happy times fly while hard times crawl but this week.. this week was an exception to that rule, it just flew at the speed of light (I smiled faintly & she smiled ) .I remember the day when she departed very clearly. I remember everything, the black shirts we were both wearing to show our sadness, the warm air of September blowing over my skin through the back-seat window of her mother’s car, the voice of the flight-hostess announcing that all the passengers of flight 250 should head to gate 1. And I remember…. I remember the deal we made this day.

Juliet, interrupting for the first time: what deal?!

Me: Well, we made that agreement that if we couldn’t find each other in 20 years, we would meet on the 29^th of September, 2010 which is exactly 20 years from the day we separated & which is coincidently…. Today J

Juliet chuckled & said: So, you’re gonna meet her today.

Me (with an intending tone): Yes, I am.

Juliet: Mom, could you please tell me more about Tina? How was she like? How was she different from you?

Me (Lying back down): First of all, she was completely different from you on all levels. We always used to say that together, we form a perfect manJ. She was a big sports fan, all kinds of sports. She always made fun of me for being an art fan. She said I should have lived in the 15^th century.

We both break into laughter & Juliet says: she’s right, mom.

I laugh & continue: Even our dreams, they were completely different. I always dreamt of being a filmmaker & that one day, I would be an Oscar winner but she always dreamt of a calm happy life in the country maybe, you know, where there are no challenges, competitions or conspiracies. But you know, The only thing we had in common was our love for music. For both of us, music has been our way to express ourselves, our happiness, sadness, excitement. You know, we had these playlists for every mood like “The happy list”, “The sad list” & we always used these lists to express ourselves.

Juliet: Oh my God!! Mom, that’s so….(Ting Ting Ting Ting, the clock struck 12 p.m.)

Me (my heart beats racing): Wow, I guess it’s my time to set off.

Juliet: Really!! Awesome!! Move, mom, move.(she grabs my purse & pushes me to the door). Well, mom, you’ve been waiting for this for 20 years. So, take a deep breath, don’t worry & go meet your BFF. Yeah, and tell her that I can’t wait to see her.

Me (taking a deep breath): OK, I think I’m ready to go. Wish me luck, honey.

Juliet (Waving me goodbye): Good luck, mom, good luck.

It felt like everything around me was moving as if it was a dream. All I could see was vague figures moving& voices talking but I couldn’t recognize the moves or the word. Because simply, none of these moves or words mattered at that mattered. All what mattered was meeting my best friend, my soul mate after 20 years of separation. With every beat of the second hand of my watch, a new thought struck my mind. A thought of fear telling me that she wouldn’t show up because something bad has happened to her or because she simply forgot our deal. A thought of excitement wondering how she would look like. A thought of optimism telling me that I should be over the moon; I was meeting my soul mate.

And with a beat that I thought of as the best second-hand beat in my life, she showed up. She was approaching me with her beautiful supporting smile that I never forgot. She came closer & I stood up from my seat, smiling back at her & in a split second, she stood ten inches away from me. We stood still like that, doing nothing but smiling for about five minutes & then she broke the silence; “Hey, Mandy!”

“I didn't know why I felt like that, but something about the way she said “Hey” didn’t seem right… didn't seem familiar. I tried to shake this thought off my mind & replied: Hey, Tina. How are you doing?”. And I opened my arms for her & we hugged. But also, something felt not right & I guessed I wasn't the only one who felt like that, she was at unease too; I could feel that.

We sat at the table & I started talking: So, we finally meet.

Tina: Yeah, we do!!

Me: You know, for a second there, I thought you forgot about our deal. You know, you were a little bit late.

Her: Yeah, I’m sorry about that. But I had that board meeting that lasted for over three hours.

Me (astonished): A board meeting!!! So, Tina, what do you do for a living? Did you get married? Do you have kids? Tell me, tell me everything.

Her (with that serious tone she has maintained since she opened her mouth): Long story short, I studied Marketing & now, I’m the founder & owner of a cosmetic-products company. I’m married to a business man too & we have two kids, twins actually.

Me: Wow, that’s great.

A moment of silence prevailed & I looked like I was waiting for her to ask me about my life. Then after a second she asked: Oh, Mandy, what about you?

Me: Well, I studied English Literature & now I’m working as a freelance writer for various newspapers & I’m preparing for publishing my first book. (I looked so excited when saying that, actually, that was worth excitement).

Her (with cold facial expression that I never experienced before): And you’re married…engaged or what?

Me: Yeah, I’m married too & I have two kids, Juliet &……..

Her (interrupting): & Romeo, right?! I can’t believe you’re still interested in these things.

Me (very angry at her & her ridiculous sarcasm but not showing it): No, they are actually Juliet & Ted.

Her: Cute names!!

We spent almost an hour talking about anything other than our friendship & how we’re gonna restore it. It felt like a conversation you can have with any person while waiting at the doctor’s office more than a conversation best friends would have. I t was like every word she spoke spaced the distance between us. “This is not the Tina I knew”, I thought to myself. And at a moment that I considered then as moment of courage but now I consider it as a moment of complete idiocy, I decided to ask her the question that has been rumbling in my mind since she showed up.

Me: Tina, are you OK?

Her: Yeah!!! Why are you asking?

Me: mmm, actually I feel that there’s something different about you; something that didn’t exist before.

Her: And where’s the problem here?

Me: Well, please don’t get me wrong but…… I’m a little bit uncomfortable about that thing.

Her: Ok, I don’t get you now.

Me: Tina!!! Can’t you see?! You’re not the Tina I used to know. You’re completely different and honestly I…….

Her (interrupting): And you don’t like the person I’ve become.

Me: I wasn’t exactly going to say it that way but……

Her (interrupting again): Look, Mrs. “how dare you change the Tina I knew”. If you can’t see it, turn to your mirror & look at yourself, and you’ll realize that you’ve changed too. You know why?! Because that’s life; everything changes & everyone changes.  I don’t know what were you expecting to see? The eighteen-year old Tina that you left twenty years ago. Well, I’m sorry that you didn’t get what you expected but that’s life too. I can’t believe that you’re thinking that way. You know what, I have an appointment with an investor in 30 minutes & I have to go.

Me (all shocked):  Wait, Tina, I didn’t mean to…….

This time she didn’t interrupt me. This time, I couldn’t find any words to say.

Her: No, Mandy, I’m not gonna wait. Not because I don’t wanna wait, I want. But, you hurt me, Mandy. How you didn’t accept me as I’m really wounded me.

And honestly, I think this wound is gonna take a long time to heal. I’m sorry, Mandy. I’m sorry for everything.

She grabbed her purse & left. I saw her leaving & I knew that this time, she’s not coming back. And this time, her leaving was because of me. Because I didn’t accept her as she was, because I didn’t give her the chance to explain what changed her that way, because I didn’t realize that I’ve changed too & that I should expect  that she should have been changed too. Because I was such an idiot who didn’t believe in change, I lost my best friend for ever.

Finding La La Land =)

A friend of mine once said “your ‘la la’ land is what defines you”, and here’s how my ‘la la’ land is like.

My la la land is the only place in the whole world I can get to by only closing my eyes. It’s the place where I can be who I really wanna be; it’s my shelter when life gets tough. Simply, it’s my imaginary world.

So, how is it like?!

Well, it’s not the place where people are dancing & singing & laughing all the time, and it’s not the place where roses  are everywhere & where the only sound you can hear is the birds’ singing & the rivers’ streaming, and also it’s not the place where animals can talk and where I can fly or hide in a hat J. It’s both simpler& more complicated than that, it’s the place where life is easy even problems & adversities (yes, there are problems in la la land) because in my La la land, everybody loves life with all its bitterness & sweetness. When I’m there, I feel my veins are bursting with love for life. I feel that life is worth living, even when problems descend, I feel that everything is gonna be ok.

But the hardest thing about la la land is that at a moment, I have to open my eyes & come back to the real land where everyone is disappointed & fed up with life. As I grew up, the moment of leaving la la land gets harder & harder because life gets more difficult and the people I know get more disappointed. So, one day, I decided to bring my la la land to life; I knew it was hard but it was also worth trying!!

Since that moment, I’ve tried so hard to bring la la land to life, I tried to make the people around me love life like those who live in la-la land, I tried to make them free themselves of disappointment & giving up, but ….I never succeeded. Every day, it got harder & harder till I decided to give up. “It was a crazy idea after all, how can I bring an imaginary world to life?, what  the hell was I thinking?” I thought to myself. But then, I remembered something a friend of mine used to tell me. She always told me to be the change I wanna see. Thinking about that, I remembered that while my attempt to bring my la la land to life, I tried to change everybody around me, except me!! I never thought to bring the la la land-me to life. I never tried to be that optimistic, life loving person I become when I get there and then, I thought of the real reason why I love my la la land. Simply, I love it because of the person I become when I get there and that’s why I decided to bring the la la land-me to life.

Well,I haven’t reached that yet but I believe that someday I will and at that moment, my real life would be my la la land =)

The hitman & me

One day, I opened my inbox to find this bizarre message:

Dear Lucky,

                Congratulations! You’ve won a one-of-a-kind opportunity of hiring a hit man to assassinate any one you want.

                  For more information Please e-mail us at opportunities @ dreams come true.com

 Regards;

Dream -fulfillers.

I gasped and till now I don’t know whether it was a gasp of surprise, irritation or joy!

After a long time of thinking, I e-mailed them back:

“Dear Dream Fulfillers,

                First, I want to thank you for that great opportunity. Also, I want to inform you that I’ll seize it.

    Regards.”

After several contacts with the ‘Dream Fulfillers’, they fixed me an appointment with the hit man.

I got there on time. I found him waiting for me and GOD! He was stiff, fierce, and strong like those we see on TV. I immediately said to myself ‘Yeah, he’s the one ’.

I came closer to the table where he was sitting, said ‘Hi’ hesitantly, introduced myself, sat in the chair opposite to him. He kept his expression flat but also he kept staring at me in a creepy way. So, trying to put an end to that embarrassing situation, I started talking:

Me: Well, they told me you’re the best.

Him (trying to put on some modesty): Oh, no. They’re just exaggerating. I just do my job. So, who’s our fellow?

Me: Our fellow?!

Him: Yeah, you know (lowering his voice that I barely heard), the one you wanna……. Kill.

Me (chuckling): OH! You don’t have to lower your voice. It’s not gonna be ‘a real murder’. I just want you to kill the quitter inside me.

Him: WHO?!!!!!!

Me: The quitter inside me, you know, the one who always pushes me to say ‘I quit’, ‘I give up’, ‘I can’t take it any more’, stuff like that.

Him (still gazing at me in disbelief as if he was dreaming): Oh, Miss. I’m sorry but I can’t do it.

Me: What?! Aren’t you supposed to be the best?

Him (giving his modesty away): Yeah, I’m the best but believe me neither me nor any of my buddies can do this.

Me: But…

Him (interrupting): I’m sorry, Miss. But, you know, time is money and I have other stuff to deal with.

HE JUST LEFT.

I came home with confusion capturing my mind. How is he supposed to be the best and can’t do it?! And what did he mean by saying “Neither me nor any of my buddies can do this?” Was I asking for a ‘mission impossible’?!

Interrupting the flow of my thoughts, the phone rang.

Me: Hello!

Caller: Good Evening, Miss! This Mrs. Hope from the ‘Dream Fulfillers’. I’m just calling to check on your meeting with the hit man. I hope everything went right.

Me: Well, I’m afraid it didn’t.

Hope (in a calm, professional way): Why? Did he irritate you or something?

Me: Not exactly. He just said he couldn’t do it.

Hope: Excuse me, Miss but he’s the best. Did he tell you why he can’t do it?

Me: No, he just said he can’t.

Hope: Excuse me, Miss but can I ask you who was supposed to be the target?

Me: Well, it was the quitter inside me.

Hope (relieved): Oh, that makes sense.

Me (starting to lose my temper): What’s that supposed to mean?

Hope: Miss, he can’t kill something that doesn’t exist, I mean, there’s no quitter inside you.

Me: Oh, you’re now saying you know me better than I do!!!!!!

Hope (in a friendly, non-professional way): Dear, there’s no quitter inside you. It’s just your fear.

Me: My fear?! My fear of what?!

Hope: Your fear to face life, failure, criticism, rejection or even success.

Me: Then kill my fear!!!!!!!

Hope: I’m afraid we can’t do that either. Actually, no one on Earth can do this except you.

I tried to think of something to say but it was like my mind was gone, I just could find nothing to say. All I can remember about that moment is me posing like a statue with my mouth held open.

Then after a couple of minutes, I regained my consciousness & faintly said:

‘So, there’s no way you can help me?’

Hope: Dear, I’m sorry. The only one that can help you is deep inside YOU.

                                                                      

Pay it in advance

It’s been nearly three days now since that ugly, disgraceful, disgusting terroristic act of ‘Saints church’ in Alexandria, and although three days have passed more & more tragedies of innocent victims arise leaving deep, non-healing wounds in our hearts & souls. When watching these innocent victims, we feel pain taking over our hearts we feel torn apart, we feel that without thinking of their innocents’ nationalities, religion or even gender!! All we see is other humans in pain, all we hear is humans’ cries, screams & sufferings. And honestly, I see it so ironic that…. that we only remember we’re humans & we remember other humans only when we see them cut in pieces before our eyes & of course when I say “we”, I’m nowhere near including those brutal murderers who gave away their humanity the moment they pulled the trigger or pressed the “Explode” button to kill innocents & take them away from the people they love. When I say “We”, I mean everyone who’s deep inside still a genuine human who has the ability to love, to care, to help. This human who still believes in differences & accepts them.

Why am I saying all that?! Why now?! Because this drastic incident has opened my eye to something I haven’t been seeing before or maybe I was seeing it but I was overlooking it. What’s that thing?! It’s racism, racism that has been spreading in our world like a tumor spreading in a human body. Well, some of you would object to that. Some would say that even if racism has been dominating the whole world, it can never get to Egypt, to the Egyptians. Here, I’m gonna ask you a little question, has there ever been a time when you felt afraid or maybe at unease about someone just because he’s different from you?! Has there ever been a time when you had second thoughts or maybe retreated when it came to dealing or working with a person just because he’s different from you?! And this difference shouldn’t necessarily be a religious difference. It may be ideological, social or even age difference.

Now, let me ask you another question. When you feel afraid of someone just because he’s different, isn’t that racism?!!! So, racism isn’t just about blowing others or killing them or humiliating them, their beliefs & their ideologies. Racism is that psychological block that prevents you from accepting other people, other opinions or other beliefs than yours & this psychological block with that tendency to violence that has been taking over nearly 80% of the world’s population, this dangerous combination with maybe some rage can not only lead to killing others but to blowing the whole world.

I know that all of you would say that the “Saints church” incident wasn’t a racial act but was a part of a tight plan that aims at destroying the Egyptian community by planting the seed of hatred among its two main elements; Muslims & Christians. Well, there’s no question about that but doesn’t this plan need an executing hand?! And do you think this executing hand would be of one of the plan-setters?!!

So, whose executing hand is this?! In my opinion, this hand belongs to someone with racism tumor spreading all over his brain, maybe he was brain-washed or maybe not but what’s certain is that his racism is what driving him now.

To finalize, I wanna say to you one thing, it’s not a sin to feel hesitated about different people, because after all that’s human nature. But the true sin is to let this hesitation turn into rejection & then to racism. Try to love all people & accept them regardless of anything & when you have these hesitant thoughts, remind yourself that you also wanna be loved regardless of anything so, pay it in advance.