The 29th of September

I was standing before the mirror, dressing-up, doing my hair & singing to my favorite Beatles’ “With a little help from my friends” & then she enters the room with her smile that I consider the most beautiful smile in the world.

Juliet(almost singing it): Someone seems to be in a good mood today!! WOW! Mom, you look pretty today.

Me: What do you mean kiddo? I’m always pretty or from where do you think you got that pretty face of yours?

Juliet (chuckling): I know that you’re always pretty but today, you’re extraordinarily pretty & happy!! Wait, it’s neither your birthday nor dad’s (she said counting on her fingers & looking to the ceiling of the room as if she was recalling something), and it’s not your anniversary. Wait; maybe it’s my birthday but how come I can’t remember MY OWN birthday!!

Me (still dressing-up): honey, it’s not anyone’s birthday & it’s not anyone’s anniversary.

Juliet (showing that childish confused face that I adore): Then, what is that all about? And why you’re dolling up, where are you going?!

Me (grabbing her hand tenderly): Come, sweetheart. Sit.(She sat by my side on the bed, still confused). Well, today is a very special day in my life, I guess you’ll understand how important is that day to me if I tell you that I’ve been waiting for that day for more than 20 years.

Juliet: What?! What can be the importance of a day that makes you wait for it for such a long time?! I mean, what’s gonna happen today?

Me (smiling): I’m gonna meet my best friend.

Juliet: Your best friend?! Do you mean Aunt Melanie, or Aunt Kitty or Mrs. Simone?

Me (smiling): No, honey. I’m gonna meet Tina, my BFF J

Juliet (confused again): Tina?! I’ve never heard of her before.

Me: Well, it’s a long story, you wanna hear it?

She nodded with her eyes wide open as if she was watching a suspense movie that reached the peak of its plot.

Me: Well, Tina & I have been friends for as long as we can both remember. It has been like we were born friends. We used to do everything together although we didn’t share a lot of similar interests. But, each one of us has learned to be there for the other no matter what. She supported me in my art shows although she saw no point at surreal art & I cheered her on in her soccer matches although I saw no point at soccer.  You know, people used to tell us that if we had been Siamese twins, we wouldn’t have been that close to each other.

Juliet (with a sad smile): what happened, mom? Why did you both drift apart?

Me: Well, we didn’t “drift apart”. Actually, Everything happened in overnight. We were spending a typical Saturday night, chit-chatting & listening to The Beatles, our favorite band, when her mom knocked on the door. She looked sad & it was like she wanted to tell us something but at the same time, she didn’t want to. I didn’t know why then, but I felt like I was drifted away by a wave of fear & anxiety of what she was gonna say. And my guts were right. She looked at us with sad eyes & said: “Girls, I know that’s gonna be hard but I want you to know that this’s hard on me too”. We were too worried to reply, so she went on: “Girls, There has been this problem at work. And….as a result, I was sent to the company’s branch in England”. A moment of silence dominated then Tina chocked the words out: “Does this mean we’re moving to England?”. We both looked at Tina’s mom with our eyes begging her to say “No”. But she said it, she said: “Yes. And we have to be ready in a week”.

I looked back at Juliet to find her looking at me with anticipation. So, I smiled at her & went on.

Me: I didn’t know how this week had passed but I knew that it was the saddest week of my whole life. You know, people say that happy times fly while hard times crawl but this week.. this week was an exception to that rule, it just flew at the speed of light (I smiled faintly & she smiled ) .I remember the day when she departed very clearly. I remember everything, the black shirts we were both wearing to show our sadness, the warm air of September blowing over my skin through the back-seat window of her mother’s car, the voice of the flight-hostess announcing that all the passengers of flight 250 should head to gate 1. And I remember…. I remember the deal we made this day.

Juliet, interrupting for the first time: what deal?!

Me: Well, we made that agreement that if we couldn’t find each other in 20 years, we would meet on the 29^th of September, 2010 which is exactly 20 years from the day we separated & which is coincidently…. Today J

Juliet chuckled & said: So, you’re gonna meet her today.

Me (with an intending tone): Yes, I am.

Juliet: Mom, could you please tell me more about Tina? How was she like? How was she different from you?

Me (Lying back down): First of all, she was completely different from you on all levels. We always used to say that together, we form a perfect manJ. She was a big sports fan, all kinds of sports. She always made fun of me for being an art fan. She said I should have lived in the 15^th century.

We both break into laughter & Juliet says: she’s right, mom.

I laugh & continue: Even our dreams, they were completely different. I always dreamt of being a filmmaker & that one day, I would be an Oscar winner but she always dreamt of a calm happy life in the country maybe, you know, where there are no challenges, competitions or conspiracies. But you know, The only thing we had in common was our love for music. For both of us, music has been our way to express ourselves, our happiness, sadness, excitement. You know, we had these playlists for every mood like “The happy list”, “The sad list” & we always used these lists to express ourselves.

Juliet: Oh my God!! Mom, that’s so….(Ting Ting Ting Ting, the clock struck 12 p.m.)

Me (my heart beats racing): Wow, I guess it’s my time to set off.

Juliet: Really!! Awesome!! Move, mom, move.(she grabs my purse & pushes me to the door). Well, mom, you’ve been waiting for this for 20 years. So, take a deep breath, don’t worry & go meet your BFF. Yeah, and tell her that I can’t wait to see her.

Me (taking a deep breath): OK, I think I’m ready to go. Wish me luck, honey.

Juliet (Waving me goodbye): Good luck, mom, good luck.

It felt like everything around me was moving as if it was a dream. All I could see was vague figures moving& voices talking but I couldn’t recognize the moves or the word. Because simply, none of these moves or words mattered at that mattered. All what mattered was meeting my best friend, my soul mate after 20 years of separation. With every beat of the second hand of my watch, a new thought struck my mind. A thought of fear telling me that she wouldn’t show up because something bad has happened to her or because she simply forgot our deal. A thought of excitement wondering how she would look like. A thought of optimism telling me that I should be over the moon; I was meeting my soul mate.

And with a beat that I thought of as the best second-hand beat in my life, she showed up. She was approaching me with her beautiful supporting smile that I never forgot. She came closer & I stood up from my seat, smiling back at her & in a split second, she stood ten inches away from me. We stood still like that, doing nothing but smiling for about five minutes & then she broke the silence; “Hey, Mandy!”

“I didn't know why I felt like that, but something about the way she said “Hey” didn’t seem right… didn't seem familiar. I tried to shake this thought off my mind & replied: Hey, Tina. How are you doing?”. And I opened my arms for her & we hugged. But also, something felt not right & I guessed I wasn't the only one who felt like that, she was at unease too; I could feel that.

We sat at the table & I started talking: So, we finally meet.

Tina: Yeah, we do!!

Me: You know, for a second there, I thought you forgot about our deal. You know, you were a little bit late.

Her: Yeah, I’m sorry about that. But I had that board meeting that lasted for over three hours.

Me (astonished): A board meeting!!! So, Tina, what do you do for a living? Did you get married? Do you have kids? Tell me, tell me everything.

Her (with that serious tone she has maintained since she opened her mouth): Long story short, I studied Marketing & now, I’m the founder & owner of a cosmetic-products company. I’m married to a business man too & we have two kids, twins actually.

Me: Wow, that’s great.

A moment of silence prevailed & I looked like I was waiting for her to ask me about my life. Then after a second she asked: Oh, Mandy, what about you?

Me: Well, I studied English Literature & now I’m working as a freelance writer for various newspapers & I’m preparing for publishing my first book. (I looked so excited when saying that, actually, that was worth excitement).

Her (with cold facial expression that I never experienced before): And you’re married…engaged or what?

Me: Yeah, I’m married too & I have two kids, Juliet &……..

Her (interrupting): & Romeo, right?! I can’t believe you’re still interested in these things.

Me (very angry at her & her ridiculous sarcasm but not showing it): No, they are actually Juliet & Ted.

Her: Cute names!!

We spent almost an hour talking about anything other than our friendship & how we’re gonna restore it. It felt like a conversation you can have with any person while waiting at the doctor’s office more than a conversation best friends would have. I t was like every word she spoke spaced the distance between us. “This is not the Tina I knew”, I thought to myself. And at a moment that I considered then as moment of courage but now I consider it as a moment of complete idiocy, I decided to ask her the question that has been rumbling in my mind since she showed up.

Me: Tina, are you OK?

Her: Yeah!!! Why are you asking?

Me: mmm, actually I feel that there’s something different about you; something that didn’t exist before.

Her: And where’s the problem here?

Me: Well, please don’t get me wrong but…… I’m a little bit uncomfortable about that thing.

Her: Ok, I don’t get you now.

Me: Tina!!! Can’t you see?! You’re not the Tina I used to know. You’re completely different and honestly I…….

Her (interrupting): And you don’t like the person I’ve become.

Me: I wasn’t exactly going to say it that way but……

Her (interrupting again): Look, Mrs. “how dare you change the Tina I knew”. If you can’t see it, turn to your mirror & look at yourself, and you’ll realize that you’ve changed too. You know why?! Because that’s life; everything changes & everyone changes.  I don’t know what were you expecting to see? The eighteen-year old Tina that you left twenty years ago. Well, I’m sorry that you didn’t get what you expected but that’s life too. I can’t believe that you’re thinking that way. You know what, I have an appointment with an investor in 30 minutes & I have to go.

Me (all shocked):  Wait, Tina, I didn’t mean to…….

This time she didn’t interrupt me. This time, I couldn’t find any words to say.

Her: No, Mandy, I’m not gonna wait. Not because I don’t wanna wait, I want. But, you hurt me, Mandy. How you didn’t accept me as I’m really wounded me.

And honestly, I think this wound is gonna take a long time to heal. I’m sorry, Mandy. I’m sorry for everything.

She grabbed her purse & left. I saw her leaving & I knew that this time, she’s not coming back. And this time, her leaving was because of me. Because I didn’t accept her as she was, because I didn’t give her the chance to explain what changed her that way, because I didn’t realize that I’ve changed too & that I should expect  that she should have been changed too. Because I was such an idiot who didn’t believe in change, I lost my best friend for ever.

Finding La La Land =)

A friend of mine once said “your ‘la la’ land is what defines you”, and here’s how my ‘la la’ land is like.

My la la land is the only place in the whole world I can get to by only closing my eyes. It’s the place where I can be who I really wanna be; it’s my shelter when life gets tough. Simply, it’s my imaginary world.

So, how is it like?!

Well, it’s not the place where people are dancing & singing & laughing all the time, and it’s not the place where roses  are everywhere & where the only sound you can hear is the birds’ singing & the rivers’ streaming, and also it’s not the place where animals can talk and where I can fly or hide in a hat J. It’s both simpler& more complicated than that, it’s the place where life is easy even problems & adversities (yes, there are problems in la la land) because in my La la land, everybody loves life with all its bitterness & sweetness. When I’m there, I feel my veins are bursting with love for life. I feel that life is worth living, even when problems descend, I feel that everything is gonna be ok.

But the hardest thing about la la land is that at a moment, I have to open my eyes & come back to the real land where everyone is disappointed & fed up with life. As I grew up, the moment of leaving la la land gets harder & harder because life gets more difficult and the people I know get more disappointed. So, one day, I decided to bring my la la land to life; I knew it was hard but it was also worth trying!!

Since that moment, I’ve tried so hard to bring la la land to life, I tried to make the people around me love life like those who live in la-la land, I tried to make them free themselves of disappointment & giving up, but ….I never succeeded. Every day, it got harder & harder till I decided to give up. “It was a crazy idea after all, how can I bring an imaginary world to life?, what  the hell was I thinking?” I thought to myself. But then, I remembered something a friend of mine used to tell me. She always told me to be the change I wanna see. Thinking about that, I remembered that while my attempt to bring my la la land to life, I tried to change everybody around me, except me!! I never thought to bring the la la land-me to life. I never tried to be that optimistic, life loving person I become when I get there and then, I thought of the real reason why I love my la la land. Simply, I love it because of the person I become when I get there and that’s why I decided to bring the la la land-me to life.

Well,I haven’t reached that yet but I believe that someday I will and at that moment, my real life would be my la la land =)

The hitman & me

One day, I opened my inbox to find this bizarre message:

Dear Lucky,

                Congratulations! You’ve won a one-of-a-kind opportunity of hiring a hit man to assassinate any one you want.

                  For more information Please e-mail us at opportunities @ dreams come true.com

 Regards;

Dream -fulfillers.

I gasped and till now I don’t know whether it was a gasp of surprise, irritation or joy!

After a long time of thinking, I e-mailed them back:

“Dear Dream Fulfillers,

                First, I want to thank you for that great opportunity. Also, I want to inform you that I’ll seize it.

    Regards.”

After several contacts with the ‘Dream Fulfillers’, they fixed me an appointment with the hit man.

I got there on time. I found him waiting for me and GOD! He was stiff, fierce, and strong like those we see on TV. I immediately said to myself ‘Yeah, he’s the one ’.

I came closer to the table where he was sitting, said ‘Hi’ hesitantly, introduced myself, sat in the chair opposite to him. He kept his expression flat but also he kept staring at me in a creepy way. So, trying to put an end to that embarrassing situation, I started talking:

Me: Well, they told me you’re the best.

Him (trying to put on some modesty): Oh, no. They’re just exaggerating. I just do my job. So, who’s our fellow?

Me: Our fellow?!

Him: Yeah, you know (lowering his voice that I barely heard), the one you wanna……. Kill.

Me (chuckling): OH! You don’t have to lower your voice. It’s not gonna be ‘a real murder’. I just want you to kill the quitter inside me.

Him: WHO?!!!!!!

Me: The quitter inside me, you know, the one who always pushes me to say ‘I quit’, ‘I give up’, ‘I can’t take it any more’, stuff like that.

Him (still gazing at me in disbelief as if he was dreaming): Oh, Miss. I’m sorry but I can’t do it.

Me: What?! Aren’t you supposed to be the best?

Him (giving his modesty away): Yeah, I’m the best but believe me neither me nor any of my buddies can do this.

Me: But…

Him (interrupting): I’m sorry, Miss. But, you know, time is money and I have other stuff to deal with.

HE JUST LEFT.

I came home with confusion capturing my mind. How is he supposed to be the best and can’t do it?! And what did he mean by saying “Neither me nor any of my buddies can do this?” Was I asking for a ‘mission impossible’?!

Interrupting the flow of my thoughts, the phone rang.

Me: Hello!

Caller: Good Evening, Miss! This Mrs. Hope from the ‘Dream Fulfillers’. I’m just calling to check on your meeting with the hit man. I hope everything went right.

Me: Well, I’m afraid it didn’t.

Hope (in a calm, professional way): Why? Did he irritate you or something?

Me: Not exactly. He just said he couldn’t do it.

Hope: Excuse me, Miss but he’s the best. Did he tell you why he can’t do it?

Me: No, he just said he can’t.

Hope: Excuse me, Miss but can I ask you who was supposed to be the target?

Me: Well, it was the quitter inside me.

Hope (relieved): Oh, that makes sense.

Me (starting to lose my temper): What’s that supposed to mean?

Hope: Miss, he can’t kill something that doesn’t exist, I mean, there’s no quitter inside you.

Me: Oh, you’re now saying you know me better than I do!!!!!!

Hope (in a friendly, non-professional way): Dear, there’s no quitter inside you. It’s just your fear.

Me: My fear?! My fear of what?!

Hope: Your fear to face life, failure, criticism, rejection or even success.

Me: Then kill my fear!!!!!!!

Hope: I’m afraid we can’t do that either. Actually, no one on Earth can do this except you.

I tried to think of something to say but it was like my mind was gone, I just could find nothing to say. All I can remember about that moment is me posing like a statue with my mouth held open.

Then after a couple of minutes, I regained my consciousness & faintly said:

‘So, there’s no way you can help me?’

Hope: Dear, I’m sorry. The only one that can help you is deep inside YOU.

                                                                      

Pay it in advance

It’s been nearly three days now since that ugly, disgraceful, disgusting terroristic act of ‘Saints church’ in Alexandria, and although three days have passed more & more tragedies of innocent victims arise leaving deep, non-healing wounds in our hearts & souls. When watching these innocent victims, we feel pain taking over our hearts we feel torn apart, we feel that without thinking of their innocents’ nationalities, religion or even gender!! All we see is other humans in pain, all we hear is humans’ cries, screams & sufferings. And honestly, I see it so ironic that…. that we only remember we’re humans & we remember other humans only when we see them cut in pieces before our eyes & of course when I say “we”, I’m nowhere near including those brutal murderers who gave away their humanity the moment they pulled the trigger or pressed the “Explode” button to kill innocents & take them away from the people they love. When I say “We”, I mean everyone who’s deep inside still a genuine human who has the ability to love, to care, to help. This human who still believes in differences & accepts them.

Why am I saying all that?! Why now?! Because this drastic incident has opened my eye to something I haven’t been seeing before or maybe I was seeing it but I was overlooking it. What’s that thing?! It’s racism, racism that has been spreading in our world like a tumor spreading in a human body. Well, some of you would object to that. Some would say that even if racism has been dominating the whole world, it can never get to Egypt, to the Egyptians. Here, I’m gonna ask you a little question, has there ever been a time when you felt afraid or maybe at unease about someone just because he’s different from you?! Has there ever been a time when you had second thoughts or maybe retreated when it came to dealing or working with a person just because he’s different from you?! And this difference shouldn’t necessarily be a religious difference. It may be ideological, social or even age difference.

Now, let me ask you another question. When you feel afraid of someone just because he’s different, isn’t that racism?!!! So, racism isn’t just about blowing others or killing them or humiliating them, their beliefs & their ideologies. Racism is that psychological block that prevents you from accepting other people, other opinions or other beliefs than yours & this psychological block with that tendency to violence that has been taking over nearly 80% of the world’s population, this dangerous combination with maybe some rage can not only lead to killing others but to blowing the whole world.

I know that all of you would say that the “Saints church” incident wasn’t a racial act but was a part of a tight plan that aims at destroying the Egyptian community by planting the seed of hatred among its two main elements; Muslims & Christians. Well, there’s no question about that but doesn’t this plan need an executing hand?! And do you think this executing hand would be of one of the plan-setters?!!

So, whose executing hand is this?! In my opinion, this hand belongs to someone with racism tumor spreading all over his brain, maybe he was brain-washed or maybe not but what’s certain is that his racism is what driving him now.

To finalize, I wanna say to you one thing, it’s not a sin to feel hesitated about different people, because after all that’s human nature. But the true sin is to let this hesitation turn into rejection & then to racism. Try to love all people & accept them regardless of anything & when you have these hesitant thoughts, remind yourself that you also wanna be loved regardless of anything so, pay it in advance.