About regrets

The great Anis Mansour once wrote about a French lady who had told him that we're all living in a forest of question marks & exclamation marks. If you think thoroughly about it, you'll find that this is an absolute baffling truth about life; we keep asking & asking & wondering & asking, we keep going through these endless circles of Whys especially when bad events roll down.  We keep asking "Why did this happen to me?!" or "Why didn't this happen to me?!" whatever we wanted that thing to happen or not to happen it's still a WHY that we ask, it's still a BECAUSE that we're waiting for. Events keep rolling & we keep searching for a BECAUSE but here's a question, are we really gonna be satisfied when we get that "BECAUSE"?! Does it matter if we get it?! Does it even help?!

Well, sometimes it's a massive help when we know the reasons so we can save the day & make things better but what if things can't be made better?! What if it's out of our control, does the BECAUSE still help?! In that case, pursuing the reasons takes you to the level of regretting. And when you go through regretting, you're going through one of the toughest cycles you might go through in your life; an endless tiring circle of Whys & IF Onlys. And when it comes to regretting, I'm a master!!

Since I've been a little kid, suffering regrets has been my daily habit. I regretted everything, I regretted my acts, my words, my moves, my laughs & even my tears. I regret saying this & not saying that. I regretted saying Yes & I regretted saying No. I lived my everyday life doing nothing but regretting. I suffered & I suffered & I suffer till this very moment. But this time, my suffering took me to a very different area, it took me to the area of "why the heck am I regretting in the first place, isn't that supposed to be my destiny?!". Yes, I'm responsible for my own choices but when it's not a choice that I made, when I get embarrassed stammering in public or when I babble the wrong answer when I already know the right one, it has nothing to do with me choosing it's just my destiny. Seems reasonable, huh?! And yet, I'm still regretting!!

A Priceless Moment

She looked very pretty, both did actually. They looked so happy; I never saw them that happy before. I was happy too, happy like never before. And why don't I get happy?! It's my big sister's wedding, I have every right to be happy, so does she & so does our mom. Actually, mom got every right to be the happiest person in the whole world; her big daughter is getting married. After all these years of hard work, of being there for better or worse, of good times & bad times, all these years of arguing, of laughs & tears, of reprimand & praise, of success & of failure, after all these years, her big daughter is making the most beautiful bride on this planet with her beautiful white gown, her fluffy white veil & her glamorous flashing smile. Finally, she's assured she has always been, despite people's criticism & so-called advice, on the right track. Today, she feels she's being rewarded for everything she's done. Yes, mom, you got every right to be happy, you deserve it, you actually earn that happiness.

I got drifted away by those thoughts; I was taken away as if I was flying, as if I was dreaming. Then, something brought me back to earth, a dinging sound as if someone clanged on a glass & then my name was called; it was my turn to give my bridesmaid speech.

I stood still for a minute trying to gather myself. I scanned the happy faces of our relatives & friends searching for the happiest of them; my mom's. I found it, beautifully glowing & happy, her happy eyes met mine & she gave me the encouraging look I've always known, I've always loved; I started talking: "Hello, dear friends & family. First, I wanna thank you all for coming today, it's really great we got to share our happiness with you. We hope you are having a blast at the wedding & we wish you everlasting happiness. Well,; ever since my sister & me were little kids, many of you have been asking us how we hang in with all those life struggles, troubles & adversities. You ask us what that thing is that makes us go through adversities with a serene smile & a strong heart. Today with all pleasure, I'm telling you our secret; it's LOVE. I remember my sister's first day at middle school; she was nervous about going to a new school, meeting new people, starting a whole new phase of her life. I remember mom grabbing her hands, looking into her eyes, I remember every word she told her then; she told her that life is always changing whether it's a good change or a bad one but it's changing after all  & we have to cope with that change. She told her that our only way to cope with that change is to love it, even if it's bad, we should search for the good in it & love it. We should who we are or who we turned out to be, we should love those who stand by our side, those who are always there for us. We should grasp every chance of love or happiness. And that's what I'm telling you today, embrace that priceless moment; embrace that moment for it's a moment of love, a moment of happiness, embrace it with all you got , love it with all your hearts, love each other, be happy. And don't forget… to enjoy the wedding."